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12-19-2016, 08:53 PM | #1 |
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 18,287
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Grandma's Invitation
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Christmas is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00 p.m. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00. Arrive late and you get what's left over. Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup. Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Christmas needing to use the oven and the stove to prepare your contribution to the meal. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce. Now, the house rules are now slightly different this year. New House Rules: 1. I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Therefore Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with. Besides, I don’t have to worry that you might break my good china when you offer to ‘do dishes’ and don’t understand that means ‘wash them in the sink, dry them and put them away, ’ not ‘stick them in the dishwasher and leave them for a week. 2. I don’t care if your favourite team is playing a critical game. The television stays off during the meal. 3. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still like to open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. There is one cup per kid and all of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills. 4. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in my front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook. You shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery. 5. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it. 6. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know. 7. Salad at Christmas is a waste of space. 8. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car. If I find one in my house I have a hammer to deal with it. 9. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me. 10. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things. If you don’t watch your kids, remember that I have a hammer. 11. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat instead of coming to dinner is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you? 12. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult. 13. Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids. 14. Showing up for Christmas guarantees presents at Birthdays. Not showing up may or may not guarantee a card that may or may not be signed. In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. (I realize that might be a difficult choice, so think about a cab because I don’t want any arguments on my front door step. Remember, I have a hammer.) I really mean all of the above. Love You, Grandma.
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Gerry Martineau / 802 VT / VBA #0892 /[email]glmjgm@gmail.com[email] |
12-19-2016, 09:18 PM | #2 |
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ankeny Iowa
Posts: 3,697
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Haha! Good one!!
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VROC#34321 VBA#01867 2012 NCR Rally Savanna. IL. 2013 National Rally Estes Park, CO 2014 NC/SC Rally in the Ozarks, Mountain View AR 2014 NE US/Eastern Canada Rally,Lincoln NH 2015 VBA/VRA Eureka Springs AR 2015 Antlers Rally, Antlers OK. 2016 SCR Rally Salem MO. 2016 NCR Rally Hillsboro WI 2017 Eureka Springs AR 2017 National Rally Lake George NY 2004 Blue and Silver 1500 Nomad(RIP 9-26-19) 2000 Red and Silver 1500 Nomad 2012 Pearl White 1700 Voyager |
12-19-2016, 11:24 PM | #3 |
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Montreal QC
Posts: 12,034
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Good luck at your Grandmas Gerry!
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Norm Ward 2008 blue / silver nomad kawanow / VBA #01136 |
12-20-2016, 05:51 AM | #4 |
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Hannover, Germany
Posts: 380
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Love it !
Could be me, when I'm in that age, ohhh, maybe .... Cu, Sven
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"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb." - Benjamin Franklin MY LIFE - MY RULES ! 2018 Indian Roadmaster |
12-20-2016, 08:15 AM | #5 |
Advanced Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Grand Prairie, TX
Posts: 654
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Great. Not only have I become my father, it looks like I've become my grandmother too.
Just as well. It'll be easier to explain the apron and dress.
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2011 Vaquero V&H slip ons Roaring Toyz intake PCV (removed) Ivan's ECU flash |
12-20-2016, 12:29 PM | #6 |
Sr. Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Hot Springs, SD and other warm and dry places
Posts: 1,043
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Give em he!! granny................
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12-21-2016, 12:52 PM | #7 |
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: New Castle, In.
Posts: 365
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All as it should be.
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2005 800 Classic 2012 Voyager ABS |
12-23-2016, 08:19 AM | #8 |
Sr. Contributor
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 18,287
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I alway sit at the other side of the table from her, her cane is only 28" long, but it can hurt you!!
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Gerry Martineau / 802 VT / VBA #0892 /[email]glmjgm@gmail.com[email] |
12-23-2016, 03:51 PM | #9 |
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Montreal QC
Posts: 12,034
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Ha, sounds like my mother in laws house god rest her soul. It was the kind of place for one reason or not we all gathered at when we were young and partying, just to meet before going out after being out or just hanging out. She was a widow and loved all the company, one rule only, no cussing or swearing. She had a heavy duty fly swatter always handy and quick with a wack on the side of the head if you forgot rule one. Fun times!
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Norm Ward 2008 blue / silver nomad kawanow / VBA #01136 |
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