jokes

[dakals]

The Purina Diet

I was a hunter and had a Golden Retriever & was buying a large bag of
Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no,
I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

[dakals]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two bikers filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one biker. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

A young boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

... They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

[dakals]

Recently killed by separate left-turning cages, Trog, Grody, and Animal were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Trog and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Trog thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be riding that little green Suzuki over there."

St. Peter approached Grody and asked the same question. Grody answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be riding the red 600 Kawasaki.

St. Peter stepped up to Animal and repeated the question. Without pause, Animal answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be riding that gold-chromed custom Road King over there."

Grinning from ear to ear, Animal approaches the bike, but when he reaches the exquisite showpiece, he suddenly lays his head on the tank and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter?

You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be riding the bike of your dreams, with no breakdowns, for the rest of eternity." Animal replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the old beat-up Vespa? That's my wife!"

[dakals]

This biker lady has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, new roads to ride, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While riding her motorcycle home, she was run into by a delivery truck and killed. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that freakin' truck?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[dakals]

A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids. He was so proud that he continually called his wife: Mother of Six, which pissed her off a lot. But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they went.

At the end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you ready to go home?"

His irritated wife screamed back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[dakals]

Number One Idiot of 2006



I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring

her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation

happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.



Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~



Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from

one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter

coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon

that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.



Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and

wrote "this. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to

worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before

he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the

street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note

to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't t

he brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because

it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a

Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America .
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America .



Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it
anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket

for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department

a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained

another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.



Wise guy........ but you still get a sign
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Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of

the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch

that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,

"Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because

she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.



This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~



Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.



This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd

just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder

block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window

was made of Plexi-Glass.The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign.



(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)



IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local

township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS =20
__________________________________________________ ____
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person

behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
__________________________________________________ _
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."
Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for

the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
__________________________________________________ __



IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,

we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department

and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle

and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
__________________________________________________ _____



STAY ALERT!
They walk among us And they REPRODUCE

[dakals]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.
_________________

[jmorrow]

dakals must have been about to burst...

[BandC]

Good ones Dakals!!! :)

[nightmare]

absolutely priceless!!

[socwkbiker]

The purina diet joke cracked me up!

[jussmatt]

Those are some good ones Dakals.... you've outdone yourself this time! LOL!

[basco]

[dakals]

I love jokes!!!!!!

Beezer had me on the floor for the thread what is your profession? When he said what did I say I was again?


It took me almost 10 minutes to stop laughing!!!!