Think before you speak.....

[jmorrow]

FIRST TESTIMONY:



I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids
> in tow
>
> and asked loudly,
>
> 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
> job?'
>
> I turned around and walked back out and never went back
>
> My husband didn't say a word...
>
> he knew better.





> SECOND TESTIMONY:
>
>
>
>
>
>I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
> balls.
>
> I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
>
> After browsing for several minutes,
>
>I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
> works at the store.
>
> He asked if he could help me.
>
> Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I
> like playing with men 's balls .





> THIRD TESTIMONY:
>
>
>
>
> My sister and I were at the mall and
>
> passed by a store that sold a
>
> variety of candy and nuts.
>
> As we were looking at the display case,
>
> the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
>
> I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
>
> My sister started to laugh hysterically.
>
> The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
>
> To this day,
>
> my sister has never let me forget.





> FOURTH TESTIMONY :
>
>
>
> While in line at the bank one afternoon,
>
> my toddler decided to release
>
> some pent-up energy and ran amok.
>
>I was finally able to grab hold of
>
> her after receiving looks of disgust
>
>and annoyance from other patrons.
>
> I told her that if she did not start behaving
>
> 'right now' she would be punished.
>
> To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
> just as threatening,
>
> 'If you don't let me go right now,
>
> I will tell Grandma that I saw you
>
> kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
>
> The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
>
>Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
>
> I mustered up the last of my dignity and
>
> walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
>
> The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were
> screams of laughter.





> FIFTH TESTIMONY:
>
>
> Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
>
> My three-year-old son (Todd) had a lot of problems with potty
> training and I was on him constantly.
>
> One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in
> between errands
>
> It was very busy, with a full dining room.
>
> While enjoying my taco,
>
> I smelled something funny,
>
> so of course I checked
>
> my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
>
> The realized that Todd
>
> had not asked to go potty in a while.
>
> I asked him if he needed to go,
>
> and he said 'No' .
>
> I kept thinking
>
> 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
>
> don't have any clothes with me.'
>
> Then I said,
>
> 'Todd, are you SURE you didn't have an
> accident?'
>
> 'No,' he replied.
>
> I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
> smell was getting worse.
>
> Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Todd did you have an
> accident ?This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
>
> bent over, spread his cheeks
>
> and yelled
>
> 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
>
> While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos
> laughing,
>
> he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
>
> An old couple made me feel better,
>
> thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!





> LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
>
>
> This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
>
> and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
>
> in the future, likely think before she speaks.
>
>What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
>
>We had a female news anchor that,
>
> the day after it was supposed to have snowed and
> didn't,
>
>turned to the weatherman and asked:
>
> 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
> night?'
>
> Not only did HE have to leave the set,
>
> but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
>
>

[fish]