My poor wife.

Anybody that's met me will tell you that my wife must love me a lot, because I'm not rich and there's no other reason a woman would put up with me. They're probably right.

But still, the poor woman will sometimes try my patience until it's just a miracle that I haven't lost my mind turned into a drunken wife beater. A prime situation for this is whenever we work on the house. Since I ain't rich, this can be rather often.

Whenever I do something around the house, my wife has to be informed about every step. It's not enough just for me to tell her, "Now when you feel me tug on the string, start pulling the wires through the wall." I also have to explain the entire process of tying a string on one wire, pulling it through, taping another wire to it, and pulling the whole bunch back, and then removing the string, etc. etc. etc.

Of course she's forgotten the logic by the end of the last step, and I often have to explain it all over again. Sheesh! You should have seen what I went through when I changed the garbage disposal. It started with her asking, "What's that chrome thing?" then:

"Why do we have to take that chrome thing off?"
"They give you a new one, because the old one gets all rusty. Besides, the old one won't fit."
"But won't it leak if you take it off the sink?"
"I'll put some sealant on it after you finish scrubbing off all the old grunge on the lip."
"Why do you have to move the water filters?"
"Because the new disposal is a 3/4 HP & it's fatter."
"Oh! It's a lot heavier! I don't think the sink can hold this up!"
"If you can pick it up, the sink can hold it up."
"How come we had to buy a new hose?"
"Because the old one is rotten and slimy, and it's too short to reach."
"How come it's too short?"
"Because the new disposal is fatter."
"We should have gotten the skinny one. This one is too fat."
"That skinny one couldn't grind a slice of cheese. This one will grind leg bones up."
"I never put bones in the old one!"
"Don't put bones in this one either."
"Why are you hitting it with a hammer! You're going to break my new disposal!"
"I gotta knock out the knock-out plug. Otherwise the dishwasher won't drain."
"Can't you just make the dishwasher drain in the drain?"
"Yeah, if I want to re-do all the plumbing. I'm going to drain it the same way as it was."
"Now what are you hammering on!"
"The knock-out for the electrical wiring. They don't install the plug for you."
"Why not? This thing cost $85!"
"Everybody needs a different length of wire."
"Careful! You'll get electrocuted!"
"There's no electricity in it until I put the wires on and plug it in the wall. Here, hold this wire while I tighten the screw."
"No! I don't want to get shocked!"
"It's not plugged in yet. There's no electricity!"
"Ummm...I'm going to put on my rubber gloves anyway. I'm afraid..."
"OK, look! (I stick the wire in my mouth) Am I getting shocked?"
"No, but you have those rubber shoes on..."
"HOLD THE DAMN WIRE FER CHRISSAKE!"
"OK! You don't have to get mad!"
"There. Now push down on the collar while I put this on from underneith....MMFFFFT! GRRRR!"
"What's the matter?
"It won't go on. The locking ring's not hitting the lugs."
"What are the lugs?"
"Never mind! Are you pushing on the collar? Push harder! This thing is heavy and I can't hold it all day."
"You should have bought the little one."
"GGGGRRRRRRRRR!!!!"
"I'm pushing as hard as I can!"
"Whew! There it goes. Now gimme that hammer"
"What are you going to hit now?"
"I've got to tighten the locking ring.'
"Well I don't think you should hit it! What if it breaks?"
"IT'S SOLID STEEL! IT'S NOT GOING TO BREAK!"
"Wait a minute. The writing on the drain's not exactly straight."
"The water is never going to know."
"But I don't think it's supposed to go like that!"
"It doesn't matter."
"But I want the writing to be straight."
"The sealant is already starting to harden, and I'm NOT going to take that damn locking ring off again!"
"OK! You don't have to keep yelling!"
"I'm sorry. My shoulder is sore from laying under the sink."
"You didn't put the hose on yet."
"I'm going to change the clamp."
"That doesn't look like the right clamp."
"This is a BETTER clamp. That's why I paid a dollar for it!"
"Well it looks different."
"The water's not going to see it. There. It's done."
"There's not as much room for my stuff under the sink."
"So?"
"We should have bought the little one."
"Who paid for it?"
"Ummm...you did."
"Who installed it?"
"Ummm...you did."
"THEN SHUT UP AND TURN THE DAMN THING ON!!!"
"I'm never going to help you again!"
"Good!"
"Because you always yell at me."
"Just shut up and do what I tell you, and I won't yell."
"But I have to know what you're doing."
"Why?"
"Because it's MY house too!"
"Then why didn't you buy the new disposal?"
"Well...You SHOULD buy it."
"Why?"
"Because you're the MAN!"
rrrRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrr!..."OK it works."
"So why did we have to change that chrome thing?..."
"mumble mumble mumble mumble...."

[mmartin]

You can't win, just take care ot the honey-do list and then have a cold one or two or three :) :)

[radco]

LOL MAN LOVED it.. BEING DIVORCED has its perks LOL..... BUT all in all the cool thing is,,SHE is interested it what your doing and trying to see how it works.even if she doesnt get it.:).. Rich

I'm pretty sure she's just worried that I'll burn the house down, Rich.

[radco]

LOL.... I do love the way you wrote it up..Man that was a gas to read,,, THANKS for the Chuckle,,,,Rich

;)

[justbrian]

haha..what did you do tape record the entire installation.

I may have taken a few liberties, but it's essentially all as it happened.

(But maybe next time...I do have this digital recorder.)

[ridemslow]

Couldn't you just send her ass shopping? Alone?

I needed someone to push down on the chrome thing. ;)

That was hilarious!!! You're keeping REAL calm considering you quit smoking not so long ago!!!

[jussmatt]

That's what I was thinking Sue.... Cadd... that's funny right there.... but how you do that without smoking is besides me!!!! LOL!!!

OK, I gotta confession. ::)

I wrote that a whole year ago fo MCUSA. I was still smoking like a chimney then. I probably went out to the garage to smoke about three times durring that install.

[jussmatt]

LOL!!! That's ok Bud... I went out and smoked one just reading it!!!! LOL!

lol...NOW it makes sense!!