In Association with VBA Web : Memorial | Merchandise



Important Info : Please Read!
If this is your first visit to our new forum (est. 9.20.11) and you're already registered on the old forum, you'll have to request a new password in order to log in here. To do so, please Click Here and fill in the proper info. You must use the email address that you originally registered with on the old forum. You will then be emailed a new password (if you don't see it, please check your spam/junk folder). If you have any problems at all, please email us at mail@VulcanBagger.com. Thanks!



Go Back   Vulcan Bagger Forums > General > Off-Topic > Lighter Side/Jokes
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 07-21-2017, 05:09 AM   #1
mick56   mick56 is offline
Sr. Member
 
mick56's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: The Newforest, England
Posts: 4,664
Amazon review.

Customer Review

5,104 of 5,393 people found the following review helpful
Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . ., 30 July 2012
By
John W. Osborne Jr.


After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-
__________________
when this you see, remember me, and bear me in your mind, let all the world say what they may, speak of me as you find.
  Reply With Quote
Old 07-21-2017, 10:46 AM   #2
Loafer   Loafer is offline
Sr. Contributor
 
Loafer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 18,287
OMG, Mick that must have been horrible! Did you end up at the Medics?
__________________
Gerry Martineau / 802 VT / VBA #0892 /[email]glmjgm@gmail.com[email]
  Reply With Quote
Old 07-21-2017, 11:50 AM   #3
Atom   Atom is offline
Member
 
Atom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Lloydminster, Alberta
Posts: 124
That guy sure can paint a picture!
__________________

2006 Vulcan Nomad
2003 Road Star Silverado *SOLD*
  Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2017, 06:19 PM   #4
VulcanE   VulcanE is offline
Sr. Member
 
VulcanE's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Cartersville, Georgia
Posts: 4,838
ROTFLMAO...................... I got tears running down my face from laughing so hard!
__________________



Cliff "VulcanE" Evans
2005 Blue & Silver 1600 Nomad
VBA # 320
VROC # 20381
  Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2017, 07:01 PM   #5
mick56   mick56 is offline
Sr. Member
 
mick56's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: The Newforest, England
Posts: 4,664
Quote:
Originally Posted by VulcanE View Post
ROTFLMAO...................... I got tears running down my face from laughing so hard!
I am sure the poor bastard who wrote it,is pleased.I allways wanted to put on a surprise,candle light dinner,for her indoors.Lay out some roses on the bed,along with new suspenders & stockings ect.Leave a note saying,here darling,rub this on while you are dressing,it wil be an experience to remember.Then cracking a few cans on the porch,(having turned off the water at the mains),and waiting for the screams
Making sure the bike is packed,and ready,with a full tank of fuel of course.
__________________
when this you see, remember me, and bear me in your mind, let all the world say what they may, speak of me as you find.
  Reply With Quote
Old 07-24-2017, 09:09 PM   #6
Ridefree   Ridefree is offline
Sr. Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Saskatchewan , Canada
Posts: 1,441
That was frickin hilarious . Thanks for the great laugh !
  Reply With Quote
Old 08-03-2017, 12:30 PM   #7
Loafer   Loafer is offline
Sr. Contributor
 
Loafer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 18,287
Mick, my wife started to read it, stopped looked me in the eyes and said What The Hell Is This?!!!!!!
__________________
Gerry Martineau / 802 VT / VBA #0892 /[email]glmjgm@gmail.com[email]
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

In Association with VBA Web Join VBA Web Now!

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 07:29 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.