One Liners

How 'bout it ? Anybody have a good one liner ?

I'll start it off. Here goes :

I had acne so bad when I was a teenager, I fell asleep in the library, when I woke up a blind guy was reading my face.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
My Grandmother is in her 80's, and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die before 4 o'clock this afternoon.

Your turn .

[ringadingh]

Do you call those tattoos, or did you get in a fight with a wet comic book.

You have a face only a mother could love, but died laughing.

[beezer]

^ I like that tatoo one

Flew in early one night, got into a cab, told the driver to take me " where the action is ".....he took me to my house !!

[blowndodge]

Ok rodney jokes huh?


Came home the other day to see a naked man jogging down the street. I asked him, "whats this? a new fad?" he said, "no, your home early!"

When having sex my wife likes to talk dirty to me... that pisses me off cause shes running up my cell phone bill.

One time I was making love to a hooker. " you'll probably hate yourself in the morning", I said. " No, I hate myself now", said she.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, it had an olive in it.

My doctor told me to watch what I drink, so now I drink in front of a mirror.

I told my Dentist the my teeth are yellow, what can I do? he told me to wear a brown necktie.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.