The fat wife.

[wompus]

Here are a few excuses that you might hear when you
finally confront your wife about this weight gain:

a. When women get older, their bodies change.
Translation: I am too lazy to get my fat ass off the couch.

b. I am big boned
Translation: I like "rocky road" better than I like "road work"

c. I am a Big Beautiful Woman
Translation: I am pretty sure you don't have the nerve to leave me even
if I gain 50 more pounds, which I might.

d. I am healthy at my current weight. I never get sick.
Translation: I am not quite old enough to show the signs of pre-diabetes
or pre-heart disease, and I am too stupid to realize it.

e. All the women in my family look like me.
Translation: Mom fed us a lot of fried chicken and ice cream and for
some reason we all ended up fat.

f. It's not my fault. I have an efficient metabolism.
Translation: If I cut out the 500 calorie latte, the 2-liter bottle of
coke, and the daily #1 at the Burger King, I might feel a few minutes of
deprivation, so I won't. Ha Ha.

g. I have been dieting all my life.
Translation: I attracted you somehow despite the fact that I was always
a bit heavy. Why should I go to any effort whatsoever now that I have
the ring?

h. It's expensive to buy healthy food at the grocery store. The
unhealthy food is much cheaper.
Translation: I would rather eat Twinkies than a carrot.

i. I am just as hot, and just as good in bed as I was when I was skinny.
Translation: I think you are too stupid to notice that I don't pump back
anymore.....

[Loafer]

[ringadingh]

[AlabamaNomadRider]

Some good ones.

[billmac]

Good one. :)

I told the wife 38 years ago, that if she gained weight, I was gone. She hasn't but I am twice the size. I am lucky she is still with me.

[cajun2wheels]

My ex wife was so fat that when we vacationed on the beach a bunch of people tried to roll her back into the water.

[Stump]